Wednesday, 19 March 2014

COULD JANE AUSTEN SELL CHOCOLATE?

Apparently Shakespeare, in the guise of Romeo and Juliet, sells chocolate bars. I saw this advertising hoarding on Raynes Park Station, near Wimbledon,the other day.





Here is Jane's effort!!! What do you think?

Chapter 1
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a sweet tooth, must be in want of a delicious bar of Cadburys Milk Chocolate.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth of his chocolate cravings are so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered immediately, the rightful property of someone or other of their village sweet shops.
"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, between her sucking a crunchie bar and swooning over a chocolate flake "have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?"
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
"But it is," returned she; "for Mrs. Long has seen crate loads of chocolate bars being delivered already, and every one with wrappers advertising, offers. She told me all about it."
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
"Do you not want to know who is going to provide these inviting special offers with every chocolate bar?" cried his wife impatiently.
"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."
This was invitation enough.
"Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man with vast boxes of Cadburys Milk Tray from the north of England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so gorging himself on a chocolate bar,   at the time, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas, and more of his chocolate bars, in wrappers advertising the said free offers of e-books and Kindles and all kind of wonderful temptations will be  in the house by the end of next week."
"What is his name and how do I get hold of some of his chocolate with the free offers?"
"Bingley," and you must use your pinz nez to read the small print on his, "Mars."



7 comments:

  1. Tony - this is great! - you should continue the writing and you would have one of the adaptations you are always dissing! - it would sell well, because who, really who, could resist a Bingley or Darcy with crates of chocolate?

    Well done Tony!
    Deb

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  2. Oh, Tony, you are too funny! I love it! Do you think Virginia Woolf could sell chocolate?

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  3. Or ...

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a china tea pot must be in want of a bag of Twinings loose tea.

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  4. Thanks Deb. I don't think I will complete the whole novel skewed to an emphasise on chocolate. Imagine the health problems I might be blamed for!!!

    Jean, this a cue for another chocolate recipe!! (You can take the blame.)

    Tea!! We could have strarted something here Clive. At the various JASNA festivals and gatherings they often partake of a nice cuppa,Twinings or other.
    They will be sticking banners up all over the place quoting your tea version of the start of Pride and Prejudice.

    To think all this stared when I was waiting for a train!!! Ha! ha!

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  5. I really enjoyed this Tony. You should be writing for radio 4 comedy shows. It's better than half of what they broadcast :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you,Jane,for your comment.

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  6. Well, since we know Jane was mocking Johnson's absolutes, there must also be plenty of material for that sort of stuff. "When a man grows tired of Cadbury," and all that.

    Frank
    www.samueljohnson.com/

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